Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Overwhelmed and Stressed

Disclaimer: Before I even write this I am well aware that it is not good for me to be stressed right now. Please do not even bother commenting if you plan to tell me that.

I think one of the major disadvantages to pregnancy after infertility and multiple losses is the fear of the unknown and the desire for everything to be perfect. I am stressed about how we are going to survive without my income for twelve weeks, I am stressed about the fact that I am high risk and we are having trouble getting everyone together to make a plan for delivery, and I am stressed about finishing everything that needs to be done before he comes.

His room still has several things that need to be done, but there hasn't been the time. I have literally around 100 thank you notes to write, some of which are almost a month old, and I just don't have the time. I'm also stressed over the whole birth plan issue. The possibility that the wrong decision could leave me paralyzed or with some sort of permanent damage is stressful, and the decision is 100% up to me. Then there is the fact that yes, I've made it 35 weeks, but this is the most dangerous time of them all when you have a clotting disorder. We have a risk of a clot for me or even one in the umbilical cord or placenta. A lot could still go wrong. I've never had the luxury of being naive and 100% relaxed. That stresses me out.

I spent two years crying and praying for this day and now that it is here, I am scared to death. What if I don't know what to do or how to handle something? What if he is just a complete brat? I'm just worried I won't make the right decisions. I am scared to death of the actual birth part. I've seen it done a hundred times and LOVED working L&D, but it is way different when it is you! Ha!

Well, I better get to bed, just realized it is already 12:15 and tomorrow (or well, today) is a long day (got to get my roots did!). I haven't slept much, so I'm sure it isn't like I'm missing any sleep! Ha!