Wednesday, June 26, 2013

In Every Season Some Rain Must Fall

This is a wordy, lengthy post so please hang in there with me until the end.  It has a point, I promise.  I am 32 years old and I've come through so many seasons of life already, but I know that I have only managed to survive a relatively small amount of them in the grand scheme of things.  I've lived through the awkwardness of preteen years (I still shutter to think of those horrendous years); the ups and downs of the teen years; the craziness of college years; early marriage; loss of several close family members including my mother in law; and the pain and suffering of infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss.  However, in all of those seasons of life nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, has prepared me for this season of life...parenting a preschooler. 

We are in a hard season of life right now. Just when I thought we somehow, miraculously and by some grand, devine intervention made it without any signs of the terrible twos...THE TERRIBLE THREES hit us and hit us hard!  My head is spinning and I'm not sure who is doing most of the crying these days, the almost 3 year old or his mommy.  

He has suddenly gone from an easy going, life is alway just a box of chocolates kind of kid to a constant meltdown, my life is terrible and I hate everything around me kind of kid.   THE MELTDOWNS. Oh the meltdowns I'm dealing with are epic and I'm at a loss.  I don't want to give in, but at the same time I don't want to hear the incessant screaming.  He is a perfect child in the morning when he is rested.  He goes to school well and has a great day.  His teachers have nothing but positive things to say about him.  Then, he decides he doesn't need a nap, on a daily basis, and as soon as I pick him up, he goes into this crazy kid that nothing can calm.  I know it is related to 1. Being overtired 2. Being away from home all day and 3. Feeling independent and a sense of being "grown up" now that he is potty trained and called a "big boy" all the time.  However, I'm in a constant game of battle of the wills and a struggle for my sanity.  I'm just in a bad place emotionally right now and I'm physically exhausted. 

I feel like I'm a failure as a mom.  My child cries or argues with me constantly in the few hours we have together in the evening and it is breaking my heart.  I know that every season comes to an end at some point or another and with every rainy season of parenting that we have struggled with so far, the sun does come out eventually.  I'm just ready to see a little blue sky behind this storm in life. 

I love my child with all my heart, but I'm feeling so beat up and worn down right now.  I worry about the transition in a couple of weeks to the 3 year old, big boy, preschool class.  I worry about how he will be every time we go to Sunday school, and I worry about how I should handle his meltdowns.  Ignoring isn't getting it.  Time out isn't working and spanking isn't either.  Taking his toys away doesnt matter to him. He is just so worked up by that point nothing can bring him back down.  Please tell me someone else has dealt with this in a child his age!  I want him to be a happy, healthy, well adjusted child (like he always has been until now). 

I heard this song on the radio last night after one of the hardest nights yet and I just sat in my driveway, listened to it, and I cried.  Big fat sob cry.  It was exactly what I needed to hear right now and it is so true. Thank you Hootie (because Darius will always be Hootie to me) for reminding me that the days are long but the years are short.  

One of these days I will look back on this season (just like I look back on the days of milk/soy allergy and days of constant sickness as an infant and toddler) and think how easy it was in comparison to where we are at that time.  I also know that one day I will turn around and my little man will really be a "big boy" and he will be the 17 year old suiting up for his senior year of football just like "pawpaw's boys" he loves to watch and looks up to now.  As hard as it is, I know it is just a brief, stormy season in many, many seasons of life and that one day the clouds will break and the sun will shine again and I'll look back and smile at the good memories from this season.  I just have to keep remind myself of that.