Thursday, July 30, 2009

I Am Not My Infertility, I am Myself

Infertility is a part of my life, well, I'm not going to lie, a BIG part of my life. It is kind of like that so called friend that just won't leave you alone. It is everywhere I go and it is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night. It is with me at the grocery store when I see all the women with children. It is at the mall when I pass Baby Gap and Gymboree (which I was an avid patron of less than a year ago). It gives a whole new meaning to a line from my favorite movie, You've Got Mail, "it will be something really depressing, like a Baby Gap. I am being amazingly brave”. Kathleen Kelley was so wise when she wrote that in an email. (ok, I have probably seen that movie WAY too many times and it is disturbing that I just said that a character was wise!)

Infertility is with me at work. Everywhere I look there is someone pregnant, a new baby, or someone asking me when I will have a baby. Infertility is with me when I see a patient that has a dirty, unkept child (yes, I guess I am judging, another flaw of infertility). It is hard for me to understand why that patient has a child they do not take care of when that is all that I want, to take care of a child. Please, let me take your child and give it a bath, some clean clothes, and brush her hair. It is hard for me when my friend infertility is with me on those days.

Infertility is with me at home when I look at my extra bedroom and know that it is already painted for a nursery. I see all the families walking by with strollers and babies and I know some of those couples weren't even pregnant when we first started TTC. At that moment I wonder when will I get stroll down the street with my husband, child, and dog? Next summer, the one after that, or never?

In all these times when infertility just won't leave me alone I have to remember something that a friend of mine told me last week Friday we talked about my appointment. Don't let infertility become ALL that you are and be what identifies you, but rather let it be a chapter that built great strength and character that lead you to become a strong, better person. My friend also told me to not let it consume my marriage, but instead build on the experience. It can either tear us apart or make us stronger. (This friend knows who they are and I want to thank them for all the support, it means more than you will know) I KNOW it has made us stronger, especially now that Michael has acknowledged that there is a problem, not to just be patient. He is there for me in such a different way now that he is 100% ready for a baby (apparently he wasn't sure the first year or so that we were TTC) and as excited as I am at the thought.

I pray that this is "the reason" God has chosen us for infertility. I believe that He knew I needed something to build my faith and to strengthen my relationship with Michael. He was right, of course. I can see such a difference in myself and in us as a couple from where I was two years ago. I also see differences in my outlook on some milestones of pregnancy that I didn't appreciate as much the first and even the second time around. I am afraid everyone in the hospital will hear my tears of thankfulness and happiness at the sight of a heartbeat(s) for the first time and I can't even imagine how overwhelmed with the same emotions I will feel when my baby is born. It will truly be the greatest moment of my life and I cannot wait. At that moment I'll no longer be called infertile, but rather, a mother.

I found this quote on a blog list of inspirational quotes and it means so much to me because it is so true! "Your God is big, and He has a big plan for you . . . and one day you'll see . . . that plan will call you mommy."


Anna said...

Thank you for sharing this today. :) I love the quote.

Mike, Kacy & Wells said...

I think it is wonderful that you're able to share so openly & honestly. I love what your friend shared with you - there were so many times that I let my ugly thoughts regarding infertility ruin my day and my outlook toward others. God has a wonderful plan for you, Amanda!

Jennifer said...

such a beautiful and insightful post. thank you for sharing that!