Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Six Months Ago Today...

My life changed forever.  At 4:30 am on Wednesday, December 10, 2008 we heard a noise that we will never forget.  Lightning struck dead center in the front of our house and caught our attic on fire.  There are times in your life that you can vividly remember from start to finish and that morning was definitely one of them.  I can remember sitting in my car after moving it out of our driveway and thinking I don't think it can get any worse than this.  My hope had sunk to a new level.  For months since my miscarriage in July, I spent an unbelievable amount of time eating ice cream, crying, and feeling sorry for myself.  I was constantly trying to keep from falling into a deep depression or losing hope.  However, in that instant, I had a feeling comfort that I had not had in a long time and in the next three months, I never stopped to ask why.  I think it is because I knew.  God had a purpose for all that I had been through.  I just needed to slow down and notice it.

Everyone always jokes around that you'll know when God is trying to tell you something because lightning will strike.  God was trying to tell me something that morning, and in the next three months while we waited on our home to be repaired, I learned that I needed to trust Him a little more.  After a year of TTC, a miscarriage, and now a fire, God wanted me to finally put all my trust in Him and not spend so much time worrying and crying, but more time praying and trusting.

I immediately felt blessed that we still had most of our belongings, each other, and our dog, however, I knew there were bigger lessons to be learned from this experience.  Michael and I came out of this day stronger, both individually and as a couple.  We learned to lean on each other more and that we could survive just about anything.  (trust me, if you ever take on a major renovation or homebuilding project, you'll understand! ha!)  

I feel that I came out of this experience a new person.  It showed me the amount of time I spent obsessing about TTC and that it was hurting our relationship (and several other relationships in my life).  I realized I had changed, and not for the good.  I have always been a happy, upbeat, positive person and I had to make a decision during this time, I could either move on and give my struggle with infertility and depression to God, or I could continue on and continue to alienate myself and live a 24/7 pitty party with myself.  

When we got back in our house, I made a decision, I would take a 6 month break from TTC and let whatever happens happen.  We are three months into that decision and it was the best decision I've ever made.  I've spent so much more time with Michael just having fun and not worrying about what tomorrow will bring and I've spent a lot more time with God and not as much time blogging or watching trashy reality TV (which I LOVE!).  I haven't cried when I started yet another cycle (in case you were wondering, no I am not pregnant, but just started cycle 15 last week) and I am ok with not checking my temperature, using ovulations predictor kits, or any of the other crazy OCD things I used to get upset and stress about.  I actually can't even remember the last time I cried because I was not pregnant or had a baby.

So, yes, God was trying to tell me something that morning.  He was teaching me patience, to be prayerful, and to have a more faith.  I am still working on those things, but now I am a believer in the saying, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."  Stronger with my faith, marriage, and overall self confidence.

10 comments:

Brittney said...

Amazing post! Thanks for sharing, friend :) It is so hard to hand over our burdens to Him, but it brings us such peace. I'm trying to do this with the house building, wedding, job search, etc. It's all about being STILL (so hard)! I got out an old book last night and read this and read this line I highlighted awhile ago and it reminded me of the importance in trusting Him. "He knows your beginning and your end, because he has neither". How cool!

Justin and Jessica said...

Wow! What a wonderful post.

After going through infertility myself, I understand how relationships get strained through it. We too had to step back and relax and enjoy eachother's company.

Praying for you. God truly has a plan for you!

Guy and Julie said...

Thank you so much for your honesty. I don't know how in the world you have survived all you've been through, and then the fire. Isn't that an example of how God gives you grace to handle the trials in your life?

Kristen and Andy said...

Thanks for such a great post - I can relate a lot to what you wrote. I am at a crossroads in my life. I have never been a relgious person or someone who dug deeper to find the meaning of things - until the last couple of years. I'm not sure what has made me start to see things differently, but I can definitely see how my perspective about things has changed. I too suffered with infertility for over 2 years and I found myself looking at it as something that was testing me and ultimately showed me the strength I have and how blessed I really am. I have always lived with that same saying "what doesn't kill me will make me stronger" and its so true in so many things throughout my life.

Sorry I have rambled on - just wanted to leave you a little note thanking your for your insightful words that mean so much. :)

Sarah said...

I was feeling every word of your post! I too, know what it is like to be obsessed with TTC that it feels like it just takes over your life. One thing that God has shown me lately is that sometimes things happen in our lives to bring us closer to Him and to also allow us to minister to others who may be going through the same thing. Thanks so much for sharing this today. A good reminder of what's really important!

Molly said...

Beautiful...

Jenn said...

I loved your post, Amanda :) I am so happy to see you growing and getting more and more positive. I can see God working through you within each post :)

PS. I love the song. I always sing it real loud in the car. Thank goodness Emma Kate is the only one that can hear me.

Lauren said...

I so thought you were kidding when you first called me about your house. And then I told you to run like you-know-what to the nearest church. :)

I know how much you've been through since then. You are stronger now for all of it.

Aaron Collier said...

I have just started reading your blog. It is amazing and wonderful! I do not even know how I got to it, maybe someone told me about it. Thanks for your words. Someday we can talk about TTC and I will tell you my story! It is painful and so hard, but there is life at the end of it all and then you look back and see that there was life all along, a great life. Just wanted to tell you that I was reading your blog. I felt like I was eaves dropping by not telling you. Take Care...Laurie

Aaron Collier said...

ooooooopppppssss I am on Aaron's page. He would die. But, this is from ME!!!! Laurie