Learning A Lesson From Spider-man Valentines

The past month has been a struggle for me as a mom balancing a full time job, household chores, and a family. I've been out of work twice due to either a sick kid or snow, Michael has had to miss a day due to Nicholas having a rash and told he had to stay home from school, I've prepped over 100 items for consignment, cut over 20 newspaper articles and made a scrapbook for my Dad for his birthday, kept my house picked up, my family fed and clothed along with working on a big project at work, seeing patients and my daily tasks, and trying to keep up all of the above. I think all moms no matter if you stay home or work outside the home all face these times. Y'all, I want to be real here and let me say, I've struggled. I've lost sleep, overate, and shed a few tears over trying to stay afloat and I want those feeling the same way to know they aren't alone. 

Let's rewind a couple of weeks and recap a crazy day in my life. It was a Friday and my stress level and emotions were at a high because two days earlier day care administration decided that Nicholas should be sent home with a 24/hr sick suspension because they felt the rule we had been following related to the treatment of a rash was suddenly not good enough. Great. Then I find out that if I had just provided evidence we are using the medication we had been prescribed, he could have come back without a 24/hr leave. When he went back to school that Friday he cried and didn't want me to leave him. I had enough at that point. It was only 8am and I lost it. I had not sleep much for a few nights, spent 10 minutes trying to find the pants I wanted to wear to work that day, Nicholas spent 15 minutes while trying get leave lying in the kitchen floor crying over not wanting cereal, but rather oatmeal (after requesting the cereal), then a potty accident on the way to day care that led to me changing an embarrassed 3 year old in the bathroom at school first thing at drop off, who then cried because he was embarrassed and that I had to leave him, topped off with the news a day off for a "sick" child could have been avoided. I cried as I crossed the street from day care to work. I was stressed and it was only 8am! Then I was busting it to complete a section of my project by the end of the day when I ended up juggling some unexpected patient problems. Cue the tears number 2 by 10am. After work I spent 4 hours tagging for the sale and when it was done at 11:30pm. I crashed and had an ugly cry. I was emotionally and physically exhausted and thank goodness it was the end of the week. 

That was a week when I felt overwhelmed, that I could not balance all of my hats and that I was failing everyone: my employer, patients, husband, and mostly my child. Having to chose between a child unable to attend day care and work is torture. Leaving a crying child that just wants his Mommy is heartbreaking. Then came the big lesson when I learned that it is ok to let something go and set priorities. 

I was still planning to whip up some homemade Valentines to send the following week and as I finished the last two things on my list that Sunday, the scrapbook and meal prep. Michael could tell I was starting to stress over making Valentines. He told me to please just take N to the store and let him pick something he wants. Not stress over crafting something. I felt torn again. I kept seeing all these fabulous homemade Valentines on social media and I didn't want my child to feel like his Mommy let him down because we didn't spend time crafting his valentines. (Red flag, I'm clearly overthinking at this point. Keep in mind this child has no clue that creating our own Valentines was even an option. Let me also say that I think it's awesome that some of you made those cute valentines, so please do not think I have anything against you at all! Again, I was sleep deprived and clearly delirious!) Nicholas ended up taking Spider-Man valentines complete with a heart shaped lollipop and I'm pretty sure he couldn't have loved them more. 

(See also: I'm a crazy mom. I was so upset the 2 days we were home during the snow because that was prime crafting time...had we had any craft supplies. At this point I was really panicking that he would be the only one without cute little valentines, still not acknowledging the fact he could care less! I was surprised to see that no one handed out anything but valentines like we brought. Time for this crazy mom to calm down. No permanent psychological harm was done over Spider-Man valentines!)

The Valentine card lesson was definitely needed.  It showed me sometimes as moms we worry too much. We also need to know that there comes a time when we have to let something go and know that no one is let down by us when it is all said and done. I'm learning to let go of my need to please everyone and admit that I can't do it all sometimes. So, that fellow stressed out Mommies, was the day I leaned a lesson. From Spider-Man Valentines. 

Balancing Many Hats

One of the things all women have in common no matter what stage in life you are in, is that we wear many hats.  Sometimes I struggle a lot on how to juggle so many hats.  On my shelf of hats there are the Mom Hat, Nurse Hat, Wife Hat and True-To-Myself Hat.  The Mom Hat and the Nurse Hat seem to win the war on my time, but the Wife Hat and True-To-Myself Hat need time as well and that is where I struggle.  When you spend 10-11 hours a day away from home, it is hard to balance family, housework, and time for your spouse and for yourself.  

Being a Mommy is my most important job. When I'm at home or with Nicholas, I want to dedicate as much of my time to him as possible. No phone, computer, or distractions, just time to play, read, work on puzzles, or whatever he wants to do. I have guilt about the amount of time I miss him during the day and it's important to me that he never looks back and says "my mom didn't spend any time with me". This is where the struggle begins. How do you balance Mom Hat and Wife Hat?  

****Before I go any further, keep in mind that I LOVE being a mom and I LOVE my child more than anything, but sometimes other relationships need attention too.****

Since New Year's, Michael and I have made an effort to spend more time together.  We have gotten lazy in our marriage over the years, especially since wearing our Parent Hats.  It is hard to find the time to even have a conversation about our day sometimes when there are things to do around the house or Nicholas is demanding our time. It is almost like our marriage has taken a backseat to everything else. We recognize that and now is the time to change that. 

Sunday while we were out I ran into a lady I used to babysit for while I was in college.  I've always admired this woman and looking back, my life is very similar to hers in those days. She is a nurse, she had to balance work, home, marriage, and child and from what I could always tell, she did it well. While talking with her about raising an only child and some of my fears about that, she reminded me that one day it will just be the two of us at home and our relationship will matter. I think that is true no matter how many children you have. One day it will be just the two of you and the foundation you set as your children are growing will be important then. 

We are making an attempt to check in with each other during the day, even if it is just a "how is your day" text. We are sitting down together at night and we have chosen a few tv shows to watch weekly as a couple. We are also making a priority to get a babysitter and have one date a month. It doesn't matter if it is our with friends to watch football or dinner at a nice restaurant, as long as we are together and can enjoy adult conversation. 

The other hat on my shelf is one that I believe must be worn at some point during a busy week, if even just a short devotional time, quick hot bath without kids busting in and out of the door, or going to get a pedicure (which may I add, I haven't done in almost 2 years!). My True-To-Myself Hat (aka time for myself) is worn the least of any hat. I think for me to recharge and for me to be able to survive, I need to take a few minutes for myself every day. Most days this is only a 10 minute devotional in the morning, and that's ok. I just need some quiet time before I start the day where I'm not at work, playing superheros, discussing our household chores or finances, folding clothes, or cooking dinner. Just time for me. 

I also think part of wearing my True-To-Myself Hat is maintaining friendships with those in similar situations to my own. Due to my work schedule, I am not able to join a MOPS group or have a lot of playdates. I crave time with other moms and it's almost impossible to fit that time in. By having a girls night once a month or meeting other families for dinner on Friday with the kids in tow, allows me to talk over my struggles and listen to their struggles. I have two close friends who work outside the home with small children. We know that at any point of the day we can text on the verge of a meltdown and within a few minutes, feel better knowing we all understand. Being a better friend is another one of my resolutions for 2014. I plan to get active in my sorority's local alum group again, the occasional girls night or even just make time for a quick coffee on Saturdays with a friend before beginning my Saturday to do list.  We all need those girlfriend relationships. 

I pray that as women we can learn to balance our many hats and stay happy. I pray that we are able to maintain strong marriages, raise happy well adjusted children, and find time to just be ourselves without having to worry about all the other hats. 

A Typical Day In My Life

Several of you asked me to do a "day in the life" sort of post of how I spend my day and a little about our routine.  I have done a few of these in the past, but some things have changed since then.

6:30 Alarm goes off, Michael gets up and I read my devotional in bed

6:50 I get up, pick out clothes for myself and Nicholas for the day. Michael gets Nicholas up. 

7:00-7:20 I get ready, Nicholas eats cereal or oatmeal and Michael gets him dressed. 

7:25-7:30 Nicholas and I leave with coffee, my lunch, bags and coats. 

7:50-8:00 Daycare drop off 

8:05-8:15 Clock in at work

8:15-12:00 I do paperwork, review charts and dictations, faxes, phone calls, etc. 

12:00-12:30 lunchtime

12:30-1:00 Prep for patient office 

1:00-5:00 Patient office (see patients with a trauma surgeon) 

5:00-5:40 Leave work (always varies)

5:10-5:50 Pick up Nicholas 

5:15-6:15 (30 minute rush hour commute  in the evenings depends on when I leave work) Commute home while discussing the day with a very talkative 3 year old. 

6:00 (on average) arrive home and start dinner

6:30-6:45 Dinner followed by clean up while Nicholas' bath is running. 

6:45-7:15 Nicholas takes a bath. I usually use this time to get things ready for the next day or clean the kitchen if we are running late. 

7:30-8:00 play or read with Nicholas.  This is our favorite time of the day. It's the time it is just the 3 of us. No phones, computers, or distractions. 

8:00-8:15 bedtime for Nicholas 

8:15-10:00 I shower or take a bath, put away laundry some days, pick up, and do anything that needs to be done. 

10:00 Michael and I try to get into bed by 10 and we may watch tv or read for a little while or we may just go to sleep. 

This is just a sample of our days. Sometimes it's crazier and sometimes lazier. The fact Michael is home to help in the mornings is HUGE! This is new within the last 8 months and it has made my life so much easier. We split it up that he does mornings and I do bath time and bedtime at night. 

Michael and I both like to have things picked up and tidy. There are certain things I do every day to keep our house in order. I clean my countertops in the kitchen and bathroom every night. I also clean floors if needed and as I've said before, I TRY to do a load of laundry everyday, but sometimes life happens and that is the chore that gets pushed to the side before anything else. 

Nicholas' playroom gets cleaned well and picked up once a week, but we try to put away all the small toys and clutter every night before bed. His room and bathroom gets picked up every night. 

Our bedroom and bathroom seems to be a catch all spot. There is ALWAYS clothes to be put away or a pile of clothes to be sorted in the laundry room. I try to make my bed everyday, but it just doesn't always happen. 

Our living room and kitchen are the areas I concentrate on.  They are where we spend 90% of our time and where someone would be if they stopped in for a visit. I pick those rooms up several times a day when we are home and keep them as clutter free as possible every single day. I have dark hardwood floors in my foyer and living room and I've given up keeping them spotless. With a dog and 3 year old, it's impossible! I clean them well once a week, but also if we have a spill or more tracking than normal.  

I am very type A, structured person and so is Nicholas. We like to have everything in order and things run in a routine. I think that helps me to survive our lifestyle and balance my two worlds of wife and mommy and nurse. I also consume a lot of coffee during the day and wine at night. What can I say, it helps! :-) 

I'm Not Superwoman...And I'm Glad

A few weeks back I saw a free download on Amazon for the book Chasing Superwoman and after reading the description thought I would give it a try.  I actually forgot about it until I put my Kindle app on my iPad on Christmas.  When I woke up at 6:30 the following Sunday I thought I would give it a try.  It was just what I needed.  I'm not sure a book has ever spoken to me like that one did. 

Let me give you some background on why this book changed my way of thinking about being a work outside the home mom. 

I love a good challenge and I love being in control. I do my best work under pressure, which is why I think I was drawn to critical care and trauma nursing.  The last year or so I had gotten in a great rhythm as a work outside the home working mom and I was actually beginning to feel like I needed a challenge in my life.  Since accepting more work responsibilities I've struggled to balance work, being a mother, a wife, and running a household under the standard I prefer it kept.  I am physically and mentally drained when I hit the door at night. My final straw was the day about 10 days before Christmas when I was exhausted with the end of the year rush of patients, attempting to write a new OSHA policy by the end of the year, OSHA inspections, and end of the year OSHA paperwork. I drowning. 

My house was a disaster area.  Laundry piled up so much you couldn't open my laundry room door, and I was exhausted leading to a cranky, mean Mommy and wife.  I was rarely leaving work on time and I was coming in at least 30 minutes early in the morning.  As a daycare kid myself I always swore my kid would NEVER be the last one picked up and it was happening more and more frequently.  He had noticed and I was feeling like the worst failure of a mom ever.  However, this was a career opportunity that I couldn't pass up.  I have worked for the practice for 8 years now and my hardwork and attention to detail had been noticed and rewarded.  I was gaining more experience in a different area of nursing.  Also, I admit, I love it.  There had to be a way to learn to balance and allow myself some grace. 

As I began to dig further into the book it was like I was the one writing.  I felt a connection to everything she was saying.  The writer has names for the different roles she lives such as Lady Lawyer and Devoted Mommy.  She says this about her two roles which just put it all into prospective for me: "At the end of my long day, Jesus comforts Devoted Mommy, gives grace to Lady Lawyer, and understands when I just collapse in bed."  Can we all give a big AMEN to that?!  THAT was EXACTLY what my conflicted heart needed to hear.  He knows when I'm at my end and He gives me grace. 

I made a point to finish this book before I went back after a week off at Christmas.  I needed to know I wasn't alone in my daily struggles.  This was my task on Saturday.  I sorted, washed, and put away 6, yes, SIX loads of laundry (with a total of 8 over the weekend!). I always say I'll do it daily and get into a routine so this doesn't happen again.  Yeah, I never do.  I spent the rest of my day picking up and cleaning.  This was done the previous week at 4am when I couldn't sleep.  

I also love to meal plan, but you know what, life happens.  Sometimes my day has been worse than anticipated or I forget to thaw something for dinner.  Those nights my family gets grilled cheese or quesadillas from the freezer.  You know, that is ok. At least we have food to eat and we are eating as a family. 

A lot of my friends ask me how i do it all or tell me how impressed they are with my balancing act and I always get embarrassed.  I hate feeling like I put on a persona or that I am trying to get praise for just surviving.  I promise you that it is not easy and I hate that it seems to appear this way. I live in survival mode and this book taught me that every other working mom does too. We are NOT superwoman and let me assure you, I do not even pretend to be!  

Let's open up the comments for other moms to share their struggles and encourage each other by showing that no one is alone. We are all in this together!