Wednesday, May 27, 2009

What a Difference A Year Makes

One year ago last Sunday, on May 24, 2008, this is what happened at our house!  It was the best day of our lives.  

I will never forget how happy and thankful I was that day that after *gasp* only 6 months we were pregnant.   Little did we know it would be the beginning of the most difficult year we've been through together, that this was just the beginning of our journey.  We have grown so much over the past year of heartache and despair.  There has also been times of joy, but it seems they have all been few and far between.  It seems like everytime we pick back up, something knocks us back down, but everytime we've become stronger than before.  I have a friend that has told me many, many, many times when I would get down that what doesn't kill us will make us stronger.  He was right, I am much stronger now than I was then.

I pray everyday that I can experience another day like that one soon (third times the charm, right?).  However, after all we've been through, I have a hard time believing that everything will be ok then.  I also get sad sometimes when others around me get to announce their pregnancy early or start planning everything in their first trimester.  I don't have the luxury of that innocence anymore and that makes me sad.  I miss the way I felt on May 24, 2008.  I had such hope and not a doubt in the world that I would have a baby around February 4, 2009.  

Well, much has changed over the last year, and most notably is the change in me.  I am no longer as positive and happy as I used to be (just ask my close friends and a few coworkers, they'll be the first to tell you), I live in a constant fear of storms and lightning, and most importantly and not as negative, I have become closer to God.  A lot of people have asked me how I can still have such a strong faith after all that Michael and I have been through over the past 12 months.  I honestly don't know, other than I know we have a lot of people praying for us and I think it is all part of God's plan that I have some suffering in order to strengthen my relationship with Him.  

With that said, most days I have a confidence that things will be ok, one day we will have a biological child of our own (not that there is ANYTHING wrong with adoption, it is just not for us at this time).  However, there are still days when out of nowhere I start to feel sad and wish for the way I was prior to last June when it all started to come crashing in around me.  On days like that I always remember the words to this song (and it took on a whole new meaning after our lightning strike and fire).

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that 
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings 
You glory And I know there'll 
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to 
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may 
loom above because you are much greater than 
my pain you who made a way for me suffering 
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain


Kendra said...

Oh Amanda, I know... I know.

I was just telling my inlaws this weekend that as desperate as I am to get pregnant (FINALLY) again, I am also terrified. I think "will I be able to relax at all during the first trimester?" or "I just barely made it through the miscarriage, could I survive another??"

Ultimately I just try and daily-hourly- turn it over to God. He got me through the last one, He can get me through anything. And I also PRAY that when we finally do get to see a positive test again (Let it be Lord!) that the weeks after that fly by QUICKLY and the spirit of fear is bound.

I will pray the same for you.


Kelly said...

Thanks for being honest with your feelings. I know you speak for so many. I pray you are taking a picture like that again soon.

Jennifer said...

I cannot imagine how you feel, but I am praying for you to have a day like May 24th again very soon.

Unknown said...

What a beautifully written and honest post! I can't imagine having to deal with all the difficult things that you dealt with over this last year! You are such an encouragement to me with your strong faith. I find that infertility has made me a much more bitter person than I ever was. I am praying for you, that you can feel that happiness again, and stay happy. Love and hugs!

Guy and Julie said...

That song is my theme song through this infertility journey. It perfectly expresses how I feel and what I've been through. I just love how at the end, it just breaks out in honest worship and focuses on the Lord rather than on myself. Thanks for sharing your feelings and thoughts so honestly. You expressed some things about infertility very well.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing! I'm still praying & I have faith that one day soon you'll be posting another pic like that one!

Aishlea said...

I won't pretend to know or comprehend the pain and loss you have been through, but I can tell you I am praying for you and hope there will be another happy day like last year's again soon! And thanks for sharing your post....

On another note, I am coming to audit the 401k plan at your office next week! Do you know Cindy S. in accounting?

Buttercup said...

Found my way here from Kelly's blog. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Todd and Courtney said...

praying for you! I live in Chattanooga and have been following your blog. I've been praying that you will have another day like that soon :)