Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The Birthday Blues

Every year of my life I have been excited about my birthday and eager for the next year.  This year is just a little different.  I know it is crazy to a lot of you, but all of my life I have had my goal of being a college graduate, wife, world traveler, and a mother by the time I am 28 (or out of high school 10 years).  I have accomplished all of these goals except the most important one (to me) and I turn 28 in two days.  Part of me is still looking forward to the next year, but the other half just sees another year filled with another empty Mother's Day, Christmas, and another due date will come and go without a baby.  I almost started crying today when someone asked me what I wanted for my birthday!  Would it be weird if I told them I just want to ovulate????  Haha!

This time last year I just KNEW I would have a baby by the time my birthday rolled around again.  Same thing with Mother's Day, which is quite depressing considering it is a holiday honoring those who have the one thing I want more than anything (but that is another story for another post!).  I also get sad when I think about the fact that I just knew that I would have at least one baby, if not two, by the time I went to my 10 year high school reunion (which is in September).  The other day on facebook (which is quickly becoming the devil to this infertile girl!) I had a mini meltdown when yet someone else made a pregnancy announcement.  I just feel like I will be the only one at the reunion without a baby or pregnancy story (at least one with a happy ending).  I know that is not the case, but it feels like it more often than not.  I just don't feel like I am where I always thought I would be and it brings me down.  I am hoping I have an unexpected peace when Friday gets here.

I am taking off from work on my birthday to go shopping with my mom.  I have always had to work on Good Friday, so I am excited to have the day off.  My favorite 80s cover band will be playing at a club downtown Friday night, so we might go see them, but I am not sure yet.  

Tomorrow is my dad's surgery.  Please continue to pray for him and his urologist as he undergoes his procedure.  I'll update you all tomorrow night.  Thanks again for all the emails, comments, and prayers you've sent.  You girls are the best!


Lauren said...

Praying for you girl! And just remember, all things happen for a reason and God has a plan :o)

Kelly said...

I understand.
I was the only one at my 10 year reunion who wasn't married......much less with no children. Most of my classmates had 8 and 10 year olds. ha!
I thought by 30 I would be done having kids and I had just gotten married.
Our timelines aren't what God plans out for us.........but don't worry - when you get that baby - and you will - you won't care how long it took to come or how old you are! You will just know he/she is perfect!

Anna said...

I completely understand how you feel. I'm just a year and a half behind you, but we've been trying for 2 very long years. Facebook is VERY bad for infertile people. I had to take a break about a month ago because every time I got on I had to see someone's belly pics, ultrasounds, or whiney complaints about how they were getting kicked in the ribs. People just don't understand. Most of the population thinks that it will help if they tell you how sorry they are, and that you're trying too hard (that one is my pet peeve), or that it's just not your time yet. One or more of those may be true, but they don't make you feel any better. There's not anything anyone can say that will fill that aching hole.

Two summers ago, the month we decided to start trying, we went to Disneyworld because we knew "this will be our last summer without kids." Here we are, coming up on the second summer after that and still not pregnant. It's gut wrenching. It's unfair.

I'm not going to say anything to try and make you feel better, because I know that it won't really help. I'll just say that I am right there with you. I'll be praying for both of us. ((((hugs))))

Lauren said...

I hope that your dad is ok - I'll be thinking about him today.

I've finally gotten caught up on all your posts...your house looks amazing.

I agree with everything that Anna said. Take a break from Facebook, especially if it's only making you feel worse.

I know you're a perfectionist and you have high goals for yourself, but in the grand scheme, it's not going to matter WHEN those things happened or happen. What matters is HOW MUCH you enjoy them and are ready for them when they do happen.
I can tell you that if I had gotten pregnant when I wanted, I would not have been ready and I would not have enjoyed it as much.

And God's timing may actually have NOTHING to do with YOU. It could have to do with Michael, or the baby itself, or a million other reasons that we can't see. When you do have a baby, it will be because He chose YOU AND ONLY YOU to be that child's mother AT THAT TIME.

So, I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but seriously, ENJOY the time you have now having your birthday be just you. Enjoy the days where you have freedom and tons of options and aren't constantly - and I mean constantly - thinking of and thinking for another little person. It truly is the best job in the world, but it's also the hardest, so cherish the time you have now with Michael and just to yourself.

You will be a wonderful mom.

Jenn said...

I hope you are pleasantly surprised to wake up on your birthday and enjoy your day. My last birthday my nana was in the hospital dying and look what God has done for us. She is still alive and even made it to meet Emma Kate. Cheer up! God has something great in store for you.