Saturday, March 28, 2009

Rainy Days Get Me Down

First, I want to thank all of you who have shared your personal experiences with clotting disorders with me.  Your stories have helped me so much.  Also, I feel like I have to be honest with you today.  So many of you have commented or emailed me over the past three months to say how strong you think I am and to tell me that I give you strength.  Well, girls, I am not always so positive and today is one of those times.   I am not going to lie to you, I'm having a hard day today.  It is windy, rainy, and just plain gloomy here.  I started out having a good day and then somewhere this afternoon I physically started feeling blah and then my emotional selfpitty took over.  

After I cleaned my house I started reading sad blogs and researching my clotting disorder AGAIN.  I seriously need to step away from google!  I just feel like I cannot know enough.  I guess it is the nurse in me, but I.MUST.KNOW.EVERYTHING.ABOUT.FACTOR.V.LEIDEN.  I have pulled out my nursing books, miscarriage books, pregnancy books, and googled until I can't google anymore.  All that I am left with is, yes, this can be a potentially life threatening problem for both mother and baby and no one is sure how to treat it.  However, women have healthy pregnancies and babies everyday with no effects.  At one point I wasn't sure if I even wanted to try again.  What if this time I make it to 40 weeks then have an umbilical cord clot and loose my baby at birth?  Or, what if we make it home and we are alone and I have a pulmonary embolism and die before anyone can get to me (I have a few patients that have had this very thing happen and come close)?  It is just sooooooooooooo overwhelming.   

I think I am going to make an appointment to see my OB this week and talk with him in person with Michael.  We both have a lot of questions and I need to know EXACTLY why he has the plan he has for me.    I just want to be 100% comfortable with the treatment plan.  If I am not, I may ask for a referral to a hematologist (specialist in blood disorders).  

Michael is planning on having a guys night out and I think I am going to curl up on the couch with a book or watch Lifetime Movie Network.  We have a lot to do tomorrow, but I may just spend the day in my pjs being lazy.  We haven't had a Sunday like that in about 4 months!  It may be time!

EDIT:  We have a tornado warning only about 2 counties over and Michael just left.  Here is my first test with my fear of storms that is obviously gotten worse since the fire.  Looks like Spencer and I have some serious cuddle time coming!


Kelly said...


The thing is we can;t let the what ifs rule our lives. After what happened with Harper (which I would have never dreamed would happen) and sine then reading hundreds of blogs with more things than i could imagine going wrong.....i am scared to death to try for another child ever. But God is in control and Satan tries to steal our hope and joy by giving us fear.
Hang in there..........

Beth in Orlando said...

Oh, Amanda ... I know just how you feel. Dr. Google is my primary care physician, too. Give yourself a break, watch some Lifetime, eat some carbs, and come Monday, make that appointment with your husband and your doctor. You'll get some answers and before long ... you will know just what to do.

Brittney said...

Hi dear! I know, this weather does not help a thing. I've been keeping my laptop up with the radar. I'm so sorry you're alone. I wish we already lived in the neighborhood and I'd say "come on over and we'll hang out in the basement and watch a good movie" :)...well, that is when we actually finish the bsmnt. ha. I will be thinking about you.

I can not imagine how many questions and fears you have running through you about your clotting disorder. There's probably nothing I can say that doesn't sound cliche, and maybe nothing that is adequate to boost your spirits, but I can tell you that I'll be praying. I am confident the Lord will carry you through this and make decisions much clearer for you.

By the way, I always look to see if you're outside when I ride by. Let's try to get together sometime in the next 2 weekends. I would love that.

Becky said...

I am a google gal too. I want to know everything there is to know about a subject. Find the best doctor around and seek his advice. On our triplet forum, everyone knows there is a doctor in Arizona that is the absolute best with high risk multiple pregnancies. He will even consult over the phone.

It is scary. All those 'what if's?' But, God is bigger than all of them. I can attest to that.

Mike, Kacy & Wells said...

Amanda - I haven't stopped by your blog in awhile. I'm glad you have a diagnosis, even though that brings you to more decisions. God is asking for your trust in Him right now and he will be faithful.

Kendra said...

Wow....girl, you have a LOT going on!!!!! I hear you when you talk about the fears. I am so afraid all the time of the unknowns and what ifs....and I can only imagine your diagnosis -which brought you answers!! Thank you Lord!!- also brought a whole bunch of new fears...
We know He is good. We know He loves us. We know He has great plans for's just a matter of resting in that!!
Will be praying for you!!!!