Saturday, January 10, 2009

The Rain Just Won't Go Away

It just seems that the rain will not go away. We are one month out from our fire today and we have had almost 20 days of rain. Where has the sun gone? I am ready for it to come out in more than one way. I am starting to lose hope in our journey to have a family and it seems that everytime we get ahead with the house, we get another step back. Yes, we have our check and a builder lined up, but according to citimortgage, it is not that easy. Now we have to mail them the check with all these forms that we have to fill out, a contract with the builder, and plans of our hosue. Surprise! I am just completely over everything!

I wish I could explain how sad it is to not have a home to go to at night, know if your stuff is ok, or even be able to just have some privacy. This would be hard enough if my heart was not so sad and broken over not being blessed with a baby yet. I don't want to ask why, but sometimes I just have to ask. Why does God give single teenage mothers babies and not us? Why does God give drug users babies and not us? Why did God allow lightening to strike our home? Yes, I know, we are very fortunate that we still have our things and that our home is still standing, but why can't we catch a break? I've been struggling a lot over the last few days to understand just these things and it is going to get harder and harder the closer we get to our due date in February. We are going to be undergoing a lot of tests soon to try to figure out what is going on that keeps us from getting pregnant. I just pray that if there is a problem, that it is easy to fix. Right now it is hard for me to go anywhere. I see babies or families everywhere I go and it is getting hard for me. I used to spend hours on and picking out what I would want on my registry. I can't do that anymore, it just makes me cry.

I always hate posting on days when I feel so down, but it helps to make me feel better. Please pray for us to hang on to hope and not lose our focus. Please pray that I can end up having a good time tonight on our surprise anniversary date. (which BTW, looks like an overnight trip downtown!!!!!) Please pray that our new dr will be able to figure out what is going on that makes it impossible for us to become parents and that it will be easy to correct. One last thing, please also pray for us as we begin the process to rebuild, that it will not take too long and we will be back in before we know it.


Kelly said...

Amanda -
Thank you for your honest post. You have every right to be down and discouraged and to question God. I did a lot of that. I remember Jamie Lynn Spears getting pregnant when I was in the midst of our struggle and it almost sent me over the edge. That and it seemed like every day was news of some parent throwing their kids over a bridge or locking them in a closet for weeks and I just wanted to scream!
I don't know why you are going through so many trials right now but I'm praying for you and praying that God will bless so abundantly that you will look back at this time and understand.

Jennifer said...


I honestly hate this for you! I hope you fun night with your hubby helped take some of the hurt away. I wish I could say something that would make it better or make everything "right". I know you must get so tired of hearing the same things over and over about God's plan and His timing. I know I would, regardless of the truth behind it!! Just know that I am praying along with so many people. I can't wait for you to look back at this time and see God leading you down the path to that sweet baby!

Jenn said...

I am so sorry that you are going through all this at once. I have a hard time understanding some of the same questions that you have. You are such a great, hard-working woman and deserve to have a beautiful baby to call your own. I am not sure why Gods plan as it is right now, but he will bless you. Do not lose focus and instead just keep asking him those questions and ask him to lead you in the right direction. I am praying for you and your family and hoping that you have a great time on your anniversary trip!

Lianna Knight said...

I truly know how you feel Amanda...bless you while you have patience to wait for His timing.

Meagan said...

You have so much going on, it is not surprising at all that it is catching up to you and getting you down for a moment. It's okay to feel conflicted and frustrated and down and it is perfectly okay to ask questions.... the important thing is that you are directing your questions to just the right place and to the only One that holds all the answers. Rest assured you are surrounded by prayers and that blessings will come!

Faith said...

Amanda, I am just now seeing this, but I pray that God has brought encouragement to your heart and lifted your spirit some. I know how hard this struggle is, and I have questioned the same things. I do not have answers, but we know WHO does and I pray that He will fill us with all joy and peace in believing as we wait on Him.

This verse encourages me, and I pray it will you as well... "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Praying for you! Hugs, Faith