Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Infertility = Broken (warning, very long, but honest post)

I have had such a wonderful response to my infertility award post. There are so many of you out there that understand just how I feel and I wish I could tell you how much that means to me this week, but honestly, there are just no words! I have been pretty down lately. I try to put on a brave face and try not to be so transparent, but it is hard. Only a very, very few at in my family, friends, at work know what went on in my life last week and that is just how I want it. I am tired of getting sympathy looks, people ignoring me because they don't know what to say, or those that try to give me advice.

When you are TTC and the whole world knows it because you've had a miscarriage, so the secret is out, you tend to get a lot of "advice". For those of you who want to give advice, please don't. I pay an OB a lot of money to figure out what is wrong, and he is working on it. When you have endometriosis or a possible septum in your uterus, it doesn't matter what you do to try to get pregnant. Especially if getting pregnant isn't the problem (as in my situation). The other thing I've noticed is people with children tend to stop inviting you to birthday parties or talking about their children in front of you. Please don't do that. It just hurts my feelings and makes me feel more isolated. Infertility is the loneliest journey I've ever been on (I always thought being an only child was lonely until now). The last thing I need is to feel isolated. Please just be my friend and do not ignore me or try to be my doctor. A friend is the most important thing I need now.

On the subject of feeling isolated, I have discovered I love my husband more and more every day. He has been there for me to cry on everytime I needed it starting the moment I saw that empty ultrasound picture two weeks ago. I know he is sad too. This is something we want more than anything else in the world and it has been 15 months now of TTC and we have nothing to show for it, except a lot of heartache. Everyone is worried about me, but I worry about Michael. I know he hurts and he says he hurts for me. He says he hurts because he cannot "fix" this for me. That broke my heart, but makes me love him so much! So, if you come in contact with him, please ask him how he is too, not just how I am.

Even though for whatever reason God is not ready to give us a baby yet, I think He gave me a pregnancy during the holidays to help me make it through. I spent all of November and part of December dreading Thanksgiving and Christmas. The thought of another holiday without a baby of our own brought me to tears everytime I thought about it. I threw myself into decorating because it gave me an outlet during what was the hardest time of my life (or so I thought until December 10, when things really got bad). I remember sitting in my car after I moved it watching my house burn and thinking that I just could not have a happy holiday season at that point. How could I? First, I did not have a baby or a pregnancy to be thankful for and now, no home to celebrate the season in. Well, 10 days later, God gave me a reason to be thankful and I spent an entire day crying and praising God for giving me this reason.

The worst thing in my opinion that has happened to me during the past 15 months, is the heartache I feel everytime someone else announces they are pregnant. I am not a jealous person, but I have a jealous feeling everytime I hear that God has blessed someone else and not me. It makes me feel like a terrible person that I even feel that way, but I cannot help it. Please don't be upset if you are someone that has told me you are pregnant. Even in the second or so that I am jealous, I still love you and very excited for you, just sad for me. I want to see your ultrasound pictures and hear how you are feeling, but PLEASE don't complain about your pregnancy or that you miss things you can no longer do. I would give anything and pay any amount of money to feel like you do and to give up those things.

Many people have asked me what our next step is if there is something wrong (I get this a lot, except most people that ask don't know that there is a real reason to ask, just infertility), well, I don't know yet. It depends on what is wrong, if anything. I do not have a peace about IVF or adoption. For one thing, we cannot afford IVF. Also, I want to conceive my child as naturally as possible (which we know we can do). With adoption, I am not to that point yet, even though I tell Michael that I am when I get scared and cry about the possibility that I may never be able to sustain a pregnancy to term. Part of my dream is to be pregnant. I want to experience EVERYTHING about being a mother and a big part of that is carrying a baby and giving birth. For right now, we are looking into a few possibilities that my OB thinks may be a problem. Two of those would require surgery. While I am NOT looking forward to another surgery, I will do anything to have a healthy pregnancy at this point. Another option would require daily injections once I know I am pregnant until after delivery. Again, I will do ANYTHING to have a healthy baby. So, please don't give me advice about any of my options, just support us in our decisions and in our trust of our doctor, who we both really like.

If any of you are still reading, thank you! I use this blog as a journal and this is just how I feel today. Some of it may be repetitive or I may repeat it again later, but it helps to put it into words tonight.


Mike, Kacy & Wells said...

Hi, I found your blog through Kelly & Julie's. I have a heart for anyone who has gone through miscarriages (we had a blighted ovum & a chemical pregnancy).

I think that your honesty with your infertility posts is important. It helps those who are going through what you are as well as reminding the rest of us how to be a good friend. Even though the road to our family was long and heartbreaking, I still struggle with saying the right thing to those who are going through it now.

God is big enough. Consider yourself added to my prayer list!


Kristi said...

I was in your shoes for over 2 years. It is very depressing and you do feel very lonely. I won't give advice, because truely there is none to give that makes you feel any better. I was there too. You just want to tell everyone to shut up you are paying someone for the right advice. I am praying for you. I have never commented on your blog, but I sat and cried the entire way through this post. I am praying for you. Our God performs miracles. Hang in there, and now it is completely normal to cry about it all.

Aunt Greta said...

My sister experienced what sounds like the same problem, she almost miscarried with her first child and then had to give herself a shot every day. She then had three miscarriages before having a healthy baby boy in July. She had to give herself a shot everyday until his birth and for 1 month after but he was worth it! We are a strong Christian family and our faith and prayers are what got us through! Praying for you in Nebraska!

Amy said...

I just found your blog in the last few days. I am walking the same path of infertility right now and have or had many of the same thoughts and feelings you just shared. We have been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years. I, too, am tired of experiencing all of the "advice" people like to give. They can't even begin to realize that "just relaxing" will not take care of my endometriosis or luteal phase defect. I have watched while all of my friends have had baby #1 and #2 and some #3. I too struggle with feelings of jealousy and utter heartache. I do not understand why God has not blessed us with children. But I am determined to trust Him no matter what, knowing that He has a plan for me. Thanks for being so transparent on your blog. I'm not sure I could be. I will be praying for you!

Lianna Knight said...

All of this is so very true...I loved that book Hannah's Hope and you said quite a few things that we wish others would understand. But, one thing that you left out is that they will NEVER understand because they haven't been there...and please know I don't mean this in a negative way. For instance, my mom aches every single day because she knows how much this is hurting us and all she wants to do is fix it. She has even admitted that she doesn't know how it feels. But PLEASE lean on the ones that DO understand...I am here for you and SO many others are here for you too. I agree that it's hard sometimes to hear of pregnancies, baby showers, Mother's Day, etc. but I've learned to believe that sometimes people are just not knowledgeable about how WE feel.

I am praying for you EVERY single DAY and God listens...

Fabiola said...

Hi Amanda,

I am new to your blog. My name is Fabiola and I am from Brazil. Nice to meet you!!!
I am really happy that you are so honest with your infertility issues. The only thing worth to say is trust your doctor and have faith.
My sister has a severe case of endometrioses, one of my best friends lost an ovary because of the endometrioses and both of them were blessed with natural pregnancies. They both went under some treatments (no IVs) and it took a while but it all ended up just fine!!!
Just keep strong and the blogland is out here to listen to you.

Have a nice weekend,


Beth said...

I just found your blog through Kelly's, and I just wanted you to know that you are not alone! I went through infertility issues not once, but twice! And both times lasted almost 3 years. I went through several surgeries, shots, pills, and hormonal surges not to mention all the unwanted advice you are talking about. We even suffered through 3 miscarriages along the way. It is very, very hard, and I am not a patient person AT ALL! But I had to learn both times to give it all over to the Lord and just let Him work it all out on His timetable. I know that sounds impossible, but I did it, and you can too! I'll be praying for you!