Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Ramblings of Being Real

I try to be as real as I can be on my blog and to do that I needed to blog about my mood today. Stick with me because this is a jumbled, rambling post that probably has no point. Truth is, I'm having a bad day. I'm exhausted, moody, stressed, and having working mom guilt. The toddler has had a low grade 99.2ish degree temp for 2 days, a green snotty nose, cough, and has kept me up for the past 2 nights coughing...while he slept right through it, mind you. :-) Not to mention a lovely case of roid rage from his breathing treatments. I had a hard time going to sleep last night then about 2 hours after I last saw the clock, I was wide awake. My brain wouldn't shut off. I replayed the long afternoon at work, what we did for each patient, did I forget to do something, did I ask Dr. Barker everything I needed to before he leaves for 2 weeks, and it goes on and on. I've had roughly 9 hours of sleep in 2 nights with only 2 of those last night because of my own inability to turn my brain off. I've had two busy days at work that I really couldn't miss, so there was no way I could have a "my baby is sick and I've had no sleep day". The exhaustion and the feelings of being pulled in way too many directions has hit me hard this week. My mommy heart is sad for both Nicholas and myself.

Exhaustion is a bad thing for me. I tend to be quite a bitty if I haven't had enough sleep followed by a crying meltdown and migraine. It is inevitable. Tonight when we got home The Toddler watched Mickey and began crying to eat muffins, then grapes. It wasn't worth the fight, so what did he have for dinner...not the chicken tetrazzini we ate, but muffins and grapes while watching tv. I was in survival mode and counting the minutes until The Daddy got home and I can take an ambien and hopefully get to sleep early (and yes, I've tried everything natural and over the counter before I resorted to ambien a few years ago). I'm also choosing to not say much to Michael, because in my mood a fight would be imminent. Not only have I sent my baby with a little cold to school, but now I'm feeding him junk and letting him watch more than his allotted 30 minutes of TV. Hello, my name is Amanda and I feel like the world's worst wife and mom.

I have the hours counted down, but I am taking 3 days off from work next week to spend with my sweet boy and I can't wait. I need lots of toddler cuddles and love. I'm excited to be able to take off one of my hats an just be a mommy and wife for a few days. I feel like I have two full time jobs and being a wife and mommy is by far my favorite job and it will be great to just focus on the most important people in my life for a few days.

Well, now that The Toddler has managed to knock over and break my wine glass, it's time for his bath and hopefully my bedtime soon! I just needed to get this feeling off of me and hopefully prevent a full blown mommy meltdown. Sorry for the pointless rambling. :-)