Monday, February 20, 2012

The Best Thing Can Be The Hardest Thing

Once upon a time there were two little old ladies, Myrtle and Louella. They would dress up in their finest and meet at various places for tea (even once on a bench at the zoo!). Then one day Louella had to watch Myrtle suffer from an ugly disease, dementia...

For those of you who follow me on Twitter and Facebook, you know the past two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me and that I've watched my mom make the hardest decision she will ever make. We had to make the decision to put my Nana in an assisted living facility & with that came a reality that I can no longer ignore. I've spent the past nine years believing, take that back, I knew better, WANTING to believe my Nana was ok. In fact, she wasn't. The reality is that MY Nana that was always my best friend, my biggest fan, the person I always called first, had changed and wasn't the same person any longer.
No, she hasn't moved on to heaven and I'm thankful for that, but the person that she has always been is not still here. She still know us, loves us the same, but it is different. She wouldn't know what to say or how to act if I called with huge news. She just wouldn't get it. She can no longer live alone. That is the big one. My Nana is known for her independence and domineering ways. That is gone. Ultimately that is the hardest part for me.

I could never begin to put into words the relationship I have with my Nana. I'm sure so many others have a similar relationship with their grandmother. She has always been there for me and she has always dropped whatever, whenever to run if I needed her.  I didn't have a relationship at all with my other grandmother and I believe that is one reason why I have always been the center of her universe. I have two cousins who I know she loves just as much as she loves me, but our relationship was always different.
When I was born, I was the only grandchild for five years. It seems as though i only went to my house to sleep...when they made me go! She picked me up from daycare almost every day, we played dress up, we sang songs, & even watched soaps together (i was in preschool). We had a game we played where we pretended to be two old ladies meeting for tea. I was Louella Snodgrass & she was Myrtle Higgonbottom (don't ask, I have no clue! Ha!). She has always called me Luella, even as recently as a few months ago. I guess the time has come for Louella & Myrtle to have tea in the old folks home! It was bound to happen, considering they've been old ladies for 30 years! Hahaha!
Of everything I can say about my Nana, she loves the Lord with all of her heart...even more than she does her family. She was always very active in her church & made sure we loved God too. I can't remember a time in my life that she didn't tell me to always love Him first, my family second, & never let anyone run over me because God will always give me the strength to handle anything and anyone. Such wise words! :-)

No matter when The Lord decides to take her home, I think part of me has already started to mourn the loss of MY Nana, my Myrtle, my biggest fan. I plan to make the time I have left with her as meaningful as I can. I am so blessed to be able to call her my Nana and I thank the Lord everyday for making me just like her.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

The Best Job Ever

Last weekend I finally watched the movie I Don't Know How She Does It.  It was almost scary how much I can relate to this movie.  It made me really think about all that I juggle and I wanted to write a post about it.

Lately I have begun to really feel accomplished and in a groove as a work outside the home Mommy.  I had my annual review at work a few weeks ago and it made it was clear to me that it has finally all come together and that I have a hold of it all.   It has taken 16 months since I went back to work, but I finally think I've got this now!  I feel as though the Lord has blessed me with two very rewarding full time jobs.  I work 8:30-5:00 Monday through Friday seeing miracles in action as I watch trauma surgeons literally save lives as a registered nurse working beside two awesome trauma surgeons at a busy level one trauma center and I work 24/7 (even while I'm working my other job) as a Mommy of a very busy, but sweet toddler boy. I love that I have a job outside the home where I get to have adult interaction, keep a sense of self worth, and get to come home to a baby that is so excited to see me as soon as I walk in the door.

Don't get me wrong, yes there are days I'd love to stay at home and not have to spend so much time at night or on the weekends running errands, doing laundry, or just stay at home, but overall I love having two full time jobs.  I have 100% full respect for those that are SAHMs, but it isn't for me.  I hate to admit this, but when it was time to go back to work at the end of maternity leave, I was ready.  I was ready to get on a routine, have an adult conversation and for Nicholas to be able to be with other children during the day and learn much more than I could ever teach him at home. I couldn't keep myself on a routine if I were at home, I wouldn't have the   I love how accomplished I feel at the end of the day that I can keep our household afloat and on a strict schedule, dinner on the table, manage the schedule of two very busy trauma surgeons,  and manage the care their patients and  my child loves me just the same as if he had been at home all day with me.

Nicholas loves "school" and being with his friends.  In the morning when it is time to leave we tell him it's time to go to school and he literally yells "YAY" and runs to the door.  He happily walks down the hall to his class and barely even tells me bye anymore.  I'm ok with that.  It's all worth it at the end of the day when he is so excited to see me and he jumps up to give me a big hug and a kiss.

With all of that being said, I LOVE being a Mommy.  It is far and away my favorite "job", but it is so, so much more than that.  I view motherhood as my true calling and what I was born to do.  That is why I prayed so hard all of that time we were faced with infertility.  I have gone from keeping our house and laundry impeccable to just getting by, and that is ok. All I want to do when I get home is love and cuddle with my sweet boy!  I feel like the Lord has blessed me more than I could have ever imagined by giving me the two best "jobs" ever!