Smile

I obviously didn't watch the MJ memorial today since I was at work but I did watch a few smidgets here and there on youtube tonight. As I watched Brooke Shields speech it hit me. She has been through so much of the same things I am going through. Sounds crazy I know! If you don't know about her struggles with IF, depression, and just everyday life, pick up her book, Down Came The Rain. It is great. I read it 4 years ago while on vacation and NEVER dreamed I'd be dealing with such similar stories.

Anyway, back to her speech. She focused on his favorite song, "Smile". I went and looked up the lyrics and I feel that it is exactly how I feel 99% of the time.

Smile

though your heart is aching

smile

even though it's breaking

when there are clouds in the sky

you'll get by

if you smile

through your fear and sorrow

smile and maybe tomorrow

you'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness

hide every trace of sadness

although a tear

maybe ever so near

that's the time you must keep on trying

smile

what's the use of crying

you'll find that life is stillworth while

if you'll just smile.

I always feel like I am putting on a happy face and just smiling no matter how I feel on the inside. I had a bad day yesterday when I just felt like things were never going to turn around for us. I had not thought about how transparent I had become until someone asked me what was wrong about 4 times in the first 5 hours I was at work then when I asked why she was asking, she said I didn't have my usual happy smile. It made me want to cry. My life really had become that controlled by my IF. It is just another sad thing that IF has done to me, it has taken away my positive attitude and made me completely transparent.

I have been feeling a little better today, although I am still very anxious and ready to meet with my OB at the end of the month to discuss what is next for us. I am also taking a "mental health day" on Friday to sleep late and enjoy the grand opening of our community pool. Dr. Barker will be out of town and I really just need a day to relax without anything else to worry about. So, until next time, think about this...


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