Monday, May 4, 2009

Mother's Day Week

This week is going to have it's ups and downs for me.  I remember last year thinking that it would be the last time I would spend Mother's Day without being a mother.  It is hard to believe that so much has happened to us in our journey to be parents in just a year and I am hoping that it will be true this year.  I have been so blessed to have the best mother and Grandmother in the world and I want so much to share that with a child of my own.  Because I have both my Mom and Nana, I am looking forward to spending Mother's Day with them, but I know that at the same time my heart will hurt even more than normal.  It is the one day that recognizes the one thing I want to be most in the world and another day that it will feel like everyone ignores my pain and despair.

So, what am I going to do about it?  I am going to do my very best (which might not be much) to try to encourage those of us on this journey to being a Mother this week.  I am going to post each day how I am feeling (whether it be positive or negative) and also a poem, scripture or song that encourages me in hopes that it will help you to also have HOPE on Mother's Day! Remember, we MUST HAVE HOPE!  I hope this will help us all get through Mother's Day with HOPE that we will have our first one next year!

I read this poem a lot.  It gives me so much HOPE and says so much about how I feel sometimes.  There are so many nights that I wake up and the first thought I have is about infertility.  I also spend a lot of time crying and praying during my private time that no one knows about or sees.  The line that states "my dream will be crying for me" is my favorite line because I KNOW I will remember it and cry tears of happiness over it when I am feeding a baby at 3 am!  I plan to do a LOT of praising God and giving thanks at 3 am!!!!

I know a lot of you also feel the very same way I do.  I hope if you have not seen this poem that it will touch you as much as it has me since I found it on another blog last summer.  
(I also do not want to hurt the feelings of those who may read my blog that have children or those of you who may not have suffered from infertility.  You are all WONDERFUL mothers that love your children SO much!  I have learned so much by watching your example and I can only hope to be a mother like you one day!)

There are women who become mothers without effort, 
without thought, 
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of
 genetics or money or because I have read more books, 
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, 
the people who truly have appreciation 
are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore, and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him
 and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.  
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; 
that God has given me this insight, 
this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to 
or a child that God leads me to, 
I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. 
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. 
I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, 
yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, 
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. 
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.  
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, 
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.
 I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

10 comments:

Anna said...

Amanda,
I am in tears. This poem says it all. Thank you for sharing it.

Sarah said...

That was a beautiful poem! I don't have kids, but we havn't tried yet either. I know the desire, but not the heart break of failure. And I know God has His plans for all of us. Thank you for sharing.

Justin and Jessica said...

Thanks for sharing this poem. My husband and I went through the infertility journey ourselves. All infertility journeys are different, but they are all difficult. Prayers of comfort and peace are being sent in your direction.

Kendra said...

I love this poem. I hadn't read it in a long time, and I needed to hear it this week...thank you for sharing it.
Praying for you!

Cheri said...

I'm so sorry you have lost babies to miscarriage. We lost 4 babies in 3 miscarriages and the pain of that was like nothing else. I put my favorite poems and music online to share with others. To let them know that others DO understand when it seems like the world does not. Please visit if you feel like it:

http://members.tripod.com/~CheriR/Angels.html

What gets us through is knowing we will see them again one day. We struggled with what is called "Secondary Infertility" for years. I found out I have elevated natural killer cells and my body views the embryo as cancer and attacks it. That was tough to swallow. We went to both the University of Iowa at Iowa City and the Sher Institute for Reproductive Medicine in St. Louis with Dr. Peter Ahlering. He finally ran the proper tests and we got our answer.

I hope that now that you know you have that disorder, your doctor can now be proactive and allow your body to nurture your next baby. Can't wait to read about it!

( ( HUGS ) )

Lauren Kelly said...

Girl, your moment is coming, I just know!!! :) Love ya!!!

Jennifer said...

You WILL be a wonderful mother! I'm praying for a wonderful week for you!

Katy S said...

I found your blog through the house tour! Loved your kitchen, very pretty. Also the canisters are great! Where did you find them? I was reading through older posts and I wanted to tell you I'll be praying for you. Everyone needs that extra support and prayer in tough times. I'll be praying your faith baby is coming soon, and for your dad's stones. I too have had severe kidney stone problems this year. Lets hope 09 starts looking up for everyone. I know the economy is really bringing spirits down. Trust in God he never wastes pain.
Blessings
Katy

Lacy said...

This week is going to be a tough one for a lot of us. Thank you for sharing the poem. You are in my prayers!

Lianna Knight said...

this was SO awesome Amanda. Thanks for sharing. I will be praying for you this week...together AND with God, we'll make it through this week :0)