First, I want to thank all of you who have shared your personal experiences with clotting disorders with me. Your stories have helped me so much. Also, I feel like I have to be honest with you today. So many of you have commented or emailed me over the past three months to say how strong you think I am and to tell me that I give you strength. Well, girls, I am not always so positive and today is one of those times. I am not going to lie to you, I'm having a hard day today. It is windy, rainy, and just plain gloomy here. I started out having a good day and then somewhere this afternoon I physically started feeling blah and then my emotional selfpitty took over.
After I cleaned my house I started reading sad blogs and researching my clotting disorder AGAIN. I seriously need to step away from google! I just feel like I cannot know enough. I guess it is the nurse in me, but I.MUST.KNOW.EVERYTHING.ABOUT.FACTOR.V.LEIDEN. I have pulled out my nursing books, miscarriage books, pregnancy books, and googled until I can't google anymore. All that I am left with is, yes, this can be a potentially life threatening problem for both mother and baby and no one is sure how to treat it. However, women have healthy pregnancies and babies everyday with no effects. At one point I wasn't sure if I even wanted to try again. What if this time I make it to 40 weeks then have an umbilical cord clot and loose my baby at birth? Or, what if we make it home and we are alone and I have a pulmonary embolism and die before anyone can get to me (I have a few patients that have had this very thing happen and come close)? It is just sooooooooooooo overwhelming.
I think I am going to make an appointment to see my OB this week and talk with him in person with Michael. We both have a lot of questions and I need to know EXACTLY why he has the plan he has for me. I just want to be 100% comfortable with the treatment plan. If I am not, I may ask for a referral to a hematologist (specialist in blood disorders).
Michael is planning on having a guys night out and I think I am going to curl up on the couch with a book or watch Lifetime Movie Network. We have a lot to do tomorrow, but I may just spend the day in my pjs being lazy. We haven't had a Sunday like that in about 4 months! It may be time!
EDIT: We have a tornado warning only about 2 counties over and Michael just left. Here is my first test with my fear of storms that is obviously gotten worse since the fire. Looks like Spencer and I have some serious cuddle time coming!