It just seems that the rain will not go away. We are one month out from our fire today and we have had almost 20 days of rain. Where has the sun gone? I am ready for it to come out in more than one way. I am starting to lose hope in our journey to have a family and it seems that everytime we get ahead with the house, we get another step back. Yes, we have our check and a builder lined up, but according to citimortgage, it is not that easy. Now we have to mail them the check with all these forms that we have to fill out, a contract with the builder, and plans of our hosue. Surprise! I am just completely over everything!
I wish I could explain how sad it is to not have a home to go to at night, know if your stuff is ok, or even be able to just have some privacy. This would be hard enough if my heart was not so sad and broken over not being blessed with a baby yet. I don't want to ask why, but sometimes I just have to ask. Why does God give single teenage mothers babies and not us? Why does God give drug users babies and not us? Why did God allow lightening to strike our home? Yes, I know, we are very fortunate that we still have our things and that our home is still standing, but why can't we catch a break? I've been struggling a lot over the last few days to understand just these things and it is going to get harder and harder the closer we get to our due date in February. We are going to be undergoing a lot of tests soon to try to figure out what is going on that keeps us from getting pregnant. I just pray that if there is a problem, that it is easy to fix. Right now it is hard for me to go anywhere. I see babies or families everywhere I go and it is getting hard for me. I used to spend hours on babiesrus.com and target.com picking out what I would want on my registry. I can't do that anymore, it just makes me cry.
I always hate posting on days when I feel so down, but it helps to make me feel better. Please pray for us to hang on to hope and not lose our focus. Please pray that I can end up having a good time tonight on our surprise anniversary date. (which BTW, looks like an overnight trip downtown!!!!!) Please pray that our new dr will be able to figure out what is going on that makes it impossible for us to become parents and that it will be easy to correct. One last thing, please also pray for us as we begin the process to rebuild, that it will not take too long and we will be back in before we know it.