Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is a day to remember the sweet babies that were very much loved and are now sweet angels. The past two years, I have spent the day sad and thinking about the fact that I had two unexplained miscarriages and infertility. I wondered why I had been chosen to travel that journey. God had a plan for me, but I was starting to wonder if that plan was going to ever include children.
Today things are so much different for me. God did bless me with a beautiful, healthy, happy baby that we found out we were expecting just two weeks after this day last year. However, even though I have Nicholas now, I still find myself being defined by my journey. I still feel like I am broken and mourn the fact that I never got to be someone that got pregnant easily or that had an innocent or carefree pregnancy for the fear of having another loss. It still hurts a lot when those around me get pregnant without much effort or get to make an early announcement. I really believe that losses and infertility are something that you never "get over". As much as you try to keep it from defining you, it always does.
I have never understood, even before I had a miscarriage, why it is such an unspoken thing. No one talks about it, everyone acts like you are crazy if you openly talk about it, and everyone feels uncomfortable around you if you've had one. I struggled with that a lot during the first year after my first loss. I wanted to talk about our struggles, wanted to hear everyone's stories, but everyone around me thought that was weird. That is why I made so many good friends blogging. It is my hope that over time, pregnancy and infant loss will become less of a secretive thing. Women that have had a loss need your support, they need to be able to open up and vent sometimes.
Please remember these sweet babies in Heaven and their mothers today and honestly, every day. I want my blog friends with IF and those that have suffered losses to know that I have spent so much time praying for you today. I pray that God will show you His plan for you soon and that you will have a peace.
A Pair of Shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.