Just Another Birthday

Most birthdays are just another birthday, but today is my last birthday in my 20s, although I am not upset or sad about turning 30, it just seems so STRANGE to be at the end of my 20s! It seems like just the other day I turned 20 (I even remember 10 pretty well!). I remember when I was little that 30 seemed so old and that I thought I would have two kids (and not young, like one of them be in school!) and things would be so different. I have spent the past two years sad on my birthday, especially last year. I was so worried I would never have a birthday with a baby or pregnant. Last year I had such a hard time leading up to my birthday that even the surgeons that I work for made sure I had a good party at work (that is pitiful!).

Birthdays are hard when you are dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss. It is just another day, you don't even want to celebrate the fact it is a birthday. Everyone asks you what you want for your birthday and it makes you want to cry (or in my case, I did, that is how my boss found out I was sad, I'm sure he was sorry he asked!). Your emotions control your life anyway, that is a bad, bad side effect of infertility. It is a reminder that you may never (or at least think you may never) throw a birthday party for your child. (remember that next year when I am OBSESSED with Nicholas' birthday! Ha!) It is also a reminder that you are usually left out of the children's party circuit that your friends talk about all the time.

This year things are different. I just had a happy tears crying moment in Nicholas' room where I looked at his furniture and all of his clothes, and my giraffe in it's new home, and I felt overwhelmed with happiness and blessings. I am so blessed, excited, and happy for our future, but at the same time I am so sad thinking about where I was last year. Every day there is something that brings that pain back and I have a feeling that it is something that I will never 100% recover from. I will always have a moment that makes me sad or a moment where I appreciate some small, meaningless things just because I never thought I would have them.

I am going to get a shower now and try to put my emotions away. It is a beautiful, sunny, warm day and I plan to enjoy it! :-)