Monday, January 18, 2010

Blessed

Today is just one of those days where you are so thankful to be a member of the blog community. There is just so much good news out there today, I can't help but be overcome with emotion! If you haven't seen it, go over to Kelly's blog to see Harper's video. Oh.My.Word! It is the best video I have seen in years! Also, I nominate Scott, Kelly's husband for husband of the year. Watch it and see if you don't agree! There was also a very special announcement on Katie's blog. Katie, I'm praying for you! My friend Melissa in New Jersey also got some awesome news and since it isn't on her blog, I'll just tell you. She is having another healthy baby girl! I am just so excited and happy for all of my blog friends today. God is definitely showing his presence in blogland today!!!!!!

I personally don't have much to add other than I had an awesome night's sleep the past three nights and was actually early to work today (for the first time in weeks!). I am still having my nerve pain, but who cares, as long as it brings a healthy baby at the end. I had a bad day yesterday and I'm ashamed to write about it. Please do not think for one second that I am not thankful or know that I am blessed, but I had a hard time yesterday because I was in so much pain from my nerve and hip. I couldn't clean my house like I wanted to do much of anything. It hurts to walk, sit, lie down, just about anything. I just had a breakdown about it then I felt terrible because I had promised that I would never complain about anything pregnancy related. I felt like I was telling God I was ungrateful or that I wasn't thankful. I wouldn't change a thing. I will take every bad thing for a healthy baby and I mean that, but sometimes the pain just catches up to me. I worry that if it is this bad this early, what will it be like in 20 weeks? I am also scared out of my mind that my baby will have spina bifida. I am terrified that of all the traits I could give my baby of mine, that will be the one he/she gets. I will have a quad screen drawn next week and hopefully my US will only be 2 or 3 weeks away. I am very anxious to have them check the spine. I really do not care if it is a boy or a girl, just PLEASE Lord, let my baby be healthy.

I have been fighting those thoughts for a while and I think that is part of my insomnia. I wasn't offered a NT scan because my doctor knew already that he was sending me for a high risk anatomy scan at 17-18 weeks. I am so ashamed and embarrassed to have these thoughts when so many of you just want a baby. I feel so guilty about it. I pray for you all, many by name, everyday. I've walked in your shoes, I know how you feel and I have not forgotten that feeling. I think I will carry it with me for the rest of my life. Just because I am pregnant does not mean it doesn't bother me when I hear of someone getting pregnant on their first cycle, being able to announce it at 4 weeks without any care or idea that nothing is guaranteed. It is hard being pregnant following IF. This weekend was the first time I allowed myself to really buy anything for Baby. I needed to get to the 2nd trimester and I have. I don't like it when I am asked repeatedly if I am excited. Of course I am happy, but I really don't think I will get excited until my doctor lays a healthy baby in my arms that is mine. I know this is hard for many of you to understand, it's hard for me to understand. I have spent years waiting for this time to come and now that it is here, I am still feeling that feeling of hope and even at times despair.

I have been wanting to write this post for a long time and today with all the blessings I've seen in blogland it just seemed like a good day. This song means a lot to me today.


6 comments:

Todd and Courtney said...

I can't wait to see you tomorrow! And I cried like a baby at Kelly's video today (Todd did too, shhh, ha) and then cried again at Katie's post. I don't know why I feel so close to them but I just care so much. Anyway, I can't wait to chat tomorrow night and pass on some maternity clothes!

Sarah said...

It's totally ok to complain about pain during your pregnancy. It DOES not mean that you are ungrateful or unappreciative of this amazing miracle growing inside you!

Beth said...

I cried while watching Kelly's video about Harper too. How could you not?! It's OK to complain or grip. And have fears and be anxious. Even while pregnant. It just means you are human :)

Lauren Kelly said...

I would imagine that everything you are feeling is normal, so make no apologies for it!!!!!

I was so ecstatic when I read Katie's blog!!!!!! :)

Becky said...

I think your feelings are normal. When my daughter became pregnant with the triplets, she handled it so much better than I did. I was petrified something would go wrong. She was on some type of bedrest most of the time. When she was admitted to the hospital towards 28 weeks, she was in so much pain she couldn't walk. I could hardly stand to look at her because I knew she hurt so much. She never complained. Always so sweet. Dang! I produced a kid like that? When I was pregnant with her sister, the last two weeks she was on my psiatic nerve and I thought I was going to die....

Feel free to share your worries. Try to enjoy the life you are carrying because someday you are going to be chasing that little person around. No one takes it for being ungrateful.

The Howard's said...

Amanda, you are normal. God knows your heart. He knows why you breakdown and cry. He knows you love this baby with every ounce of your being. Never be ashamed of telling God how you really feel. He knows already. Trust Him.

I am 27 wks pregnant after several losses. It is still hard to be "excited". I have been on bedrest since the very beginning of this pregnancy and I have complained alot. I know I shouldn't, but selfishly I wanted to be able to enjoy this pregnancy....and take care of my beautiful 3year old little boy. I am thankful! I am very blessed! I praise God! I am also very human. Telling God how I feel seems to lift my spirit. It draws Him closer, because He alone is all we can depend on.

1 Thess. 5:17.........Never stop praying!