Today is just one of those days where you are so thankful to be a member of the blog community. There is just so much good news out there today, I can't help but be overcome with emotion! If you haven't seen it, go over to Kelly's blog to see Harper's video. Oh.My.Word! It is the best video I have seen in years! Also, I nominate Scott, Kelly's husband for husband of the year. Watch it and see if you don't agree! There was also a very special announcement on Katie's blog. Katie, I'm praying for you! My friend Melissa in New Jersey also got some awesome news and since it isn't on her blog, I'll just tell you. She is having another healthy baby girl! I am just so excited and happy for all of my blog friends today. God is definitely showing his presence in blogland today!!!!!!
I personally don't have much to add other than I had an awesome night's sleep the past three nights and was actually early to work today (for the first time in weeks!). I am still having my nerve pain, but who cares, as long as it brings a healthy baby at the end. I had a bad day yesterday and I'm ashamed to write about it. Please do not think for one second that I am not thankful or know that I am blessed, but I had a hard time yesterday because I was in so much pain from my nerve and hip. I couldn't clean my house like I wanted to do much of anything. It hurts to walk, sit, lie down, just about anything. I just had a breakdown about it then I felt terrible because I had promised that I would never complain about anything pregnancy related. I felt like I was telling God I was ungrateful or that I wasn't thankful. I wouldn't change a thing. I will take every bad thing for a healthy baby and I mean that, but sometimes the pain just catches up to me. I worry that if it is this bad this early, what will it be like in 20 weeks? I am also scared out of my mind that my baby will have spina bifida. I am terrified that of all the traits I could give my baby of mine, that will be the one he/she gets. I will have a quad screen drawn next week and hopefully my US will only be 2 or 3 weeks away. I am very anxious to have them check the spine. I really do not care if it is a boy or a girl, just PLEASE Lord, let my baby be healthy.
I have been fighting those thoughts for a while and I think that is part of my insomnia. I wasn't offered a NT scan because my doctor knew already that he was sending me for a high risk anatomy scan at 17-18 weeks. I am so ashamed and embarrassed to have these thoughts when so many of you just want a baby. I feel so guilty about it. I pray for you all, many by name, everyday. I've walked in your shoes, I know how you feel and I have not forgotten that feeling. I think I will carry it with me for the rest of my life. Just because I am pregnant does not mean it doesn't bother me when I hear of someone getting pregnant on their first cycle, being able to announce it at 4 weeks without any care or idea that nothing is guaranteed. It is hard being pregnant following IF. This weekend was the first time I allowed myself to really buy anything for Baby. I needed to get to the 2nd trimester and I have. I don't like it when I am asked repeatedly if I am excited. Of course I am happy, but I really don't think I will get excited until my doctor lays a healthy baby in my arms that is mine. I know this is hard for many of you to understand, it's hard for me to understand. I have spent years waiting for this time to come and now that it is here, I am still feeling that feeling of hope and even at times despair.
I have been wanting to write this post for a long time and today with all the blessings I've seen in blogland it just seemed like a good day. This song means a lot to me today.