Tuesday, September 8, 2009

It Could Always Be Worse

I hope this post comes out sounding like I want it to, but I'm not exactly sure how to word it, so please bear with me!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

I don't how to say this other than I am in a deep funk and I don't know why, but I am in some deep hole and I am trying to get out, but can't. It's been going on since right before my last cycle. I think it is just here we are again in the fall and nothing has changed, just a lot of new heartache since the last fall. We've been through a housefire, rebuilding, another miscarriage, a diagnosis of Factor V Leiden, and now ovarian dysfunction. I keep thinking WHAT NEXT?!

I know I am not supposed to do that, but sometimes I can't help it. Then over the past few days I've thought a lot about a friend of Michael's. He died suddenly Saturday morning and left behind a wife that he married straight out of high school, that had never experienced life without him. She is also in the process of grieving over a baby that died sometime over last couple of months. I'm sure there were days she asked "what next", but never, ever could she had dreamed this. This poor girl has lost EVERYTHING she ever wanted over just the past couple of months.

This girl, whom I have never met, has weighed heavy on my heart since Saturday afternoon. I have thought about her so much today. I've had a day where I didn't feel good, I was stressed out and worried I'd never get pregnant, then all of a sudden, I thought of her. It could easily be me preparing for my husband's visitation tonight. That put a whole new perspective on my situation. At least I haven't lost EVERYTHING. There is still a chance for us to have a family. Her chance has passed and just when I start to feel alone, I'm reminded, it could be so much worse.

Michael keeps saying how lost and devastated she must be. I wish I knew her and could tell her how much I have been praying for her and thinking of her, but unfortunately I don't. Instead the best I can do is to pray for her. Pray that she can find the strength to go on and make it day to day. I also thank God that He showed me this situation during my time of self pity. I have been so sad over the past week since I realized the clomid didn't work at all and we were moving on to cycle 20. (Wow, cycle 20, I never dreamed I'd say that.) God has strange ways of showing you what is important and now I see it in a completely different light than I did 5 days ago.


Todd and Courtney said...

You are so sweet. Let's grab lunch or dinner when Todd is home. He can keep Lauren and we can just sit, eat, chat, and have fun :)

Anonymous said...

I completely understand about being in a funk. My funk is not because of infertility. Mine is that both my mother and her mother have both passed in the last three weeks. Numb is the word that I use to describe how I feel.

One of my very close friends sent me an e-mail that said "If God brings you to it..he will bring you through it"..I embrace that thought every day. Do not lose hope in having a child. Have faith in God as he is the only one who knows when that will happen.

Take care and keep your chin up. I am also very sorry to hear about Michael's friend.

Lianna Knight said...

Praying for you Amanda!!! I know how rough these times can be. Know that so many of us understand your heartache and will lift you up in prayer.

Anna said...

I feel ya sister. Thanks for putting it in perspective....I needed that today. :) Love ya.

Sarah said...

Just want you to know I am thinking about you. It's hard sometimes not to dwell on all "bad things" and it's so normal to be sad. Those are the moments when you can just lay it at God's feet. Praying for you!! :) HUGS...

Lauren Kelly said...

Girl, God will always bring something along our path to show us that we don't have it so bad after all...difficult yes, but not so bad!!

Love that song!!!