Six Months Ago Today...

My life changed forever.  At 4:30 am on Wednesday, December 10, 2008 we heard a noise that we will never forget.  Lightning struck dead center in the front of our house and caught our attic on fire.  There are times in your life that you can vividly remember from start to finish and that morning was definitely one of them.  I can remember sitting in my car after moving it out of our driveway and thinking I don't think it can get any worse than this.  My hope had sunk to a new level.  For months since my miscarriage in July, I spent an unbelievable amount of time eating ice cream, crying, and feeling sorry for myself.  I was constantly trying to keep from falling into a deep depression or losing hope.  However, in that instant, I had a feeling comfort that I had not had in a long time and in the next three months, I never stopped to ask why.  I think it is because I knew.  God had a purpose for all that I had been through.  I just needed to slow down and notice it.

Everyone always jokes around that you'll know when God is trying to tell you something because lightning will strike.  God was trying to tell me something that morning, and in the next three months while we waited on our home to be repaired, I learned that I needed to trust Him a little more.  After a year of TTC, a miscarriage, and now a fire, God wanted me to finally put all my trust in Him and not spend so much time worrying and crying, but more time praying and trusting.

I immediately felt blessed that we still had most of our belongings, each other, and our dog, however, I knew there were bigger lessons to be learned from this experience.  Michael and I came out of this day stronger, both individually and as a couple.  We learned to lean on each other more and that we could survive just about anything.  (trust me, if you ever take on a major renovation or homebuilding project, you'll understand! ha!)  

I feel that I came out of this experience a new person.  It showed me the amount of time I spent obsessing about TTC and that it was hurting our relationship (and several other relationships in my life).  I realized I had changed, and not for the good.  I have always been a happy, upbeat, positive person and I had to make a decision during this time, I could either move on and give my struggle with infertility and depression to God, or I could continue on and continue to alienate myself and live a 24/7 pitty party with myself.  

When we got back in our house, I made a decision, I would take a 6 month break from TTC and let whatever happens happen.  We are three months into that decision and it was the best decision I've ever made.  I've spent so much more time with Michael just having fun and not worrying about what tomorrow will bring and I've spent a lot more time with God and not as much time blogging or watching trashy reality TV (which I LOVE!).  I haven't cried when I started yet another cycle (in case you were wondering, no I am not pregnant, but just started cycle 15 last week) and I am ok with not checking my temperature, using ovulations predictor kits, or any of the other crazy OCD things I used to get upset and stress about.  I actually can't even remember the last time I cried because I was not pregnant or had a baby.

So, yes, God was trying to tell me something that morning.  He was teaching me patience, to be prayerful, and to have a more faith.  I am still working on those things, but now I am a believer in the saying, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."  Stronger with my faith, marriage, and overall self confidence.