Infertility = Broken (warning, very long, but honest post)

I have had such a wonderful response to my infertility award post. There are so many of you out there that understand just how I feel and I wish I could tell you how much that means to me this week, but honestly, there are just no words! I have been pretty down lately. I try to put on a brave face and try not to be so transparent, but it is hard. Only a very, very few at in my family, friends, at work know what went on in my life last week and that is just how I want it. I am tired of getting sympathy looks, people ignoring me because they don't know what to say, or those that try to give me advice.


When you are TTC and the whole world knows it because you've had a miscarriage, so the secret is out, you tend to get a lot of "advice". For those of you who want to give advice, please don't. I pay an OB a lot of money to figure out what is wrong, and he is working on it. When you have endometriosis or a possible septum in your uterus, it doesn't matter what you do to try to get pregnant. Especially if getting pregnant isn't the problem (as in my situation). The other thing I've noticed is people with children tend to stop inviting you to birthday parties or talking about their children in front of you. Please don't do that. It just hurts my feelings and makes me feel more isolated. Infertility is the loneliest journey I've ever been on (I always thought being an only child was lonely until now). The last thing I need is to feel isolated. Please just be my friend and do not ignore me or try to be my doctor. A friend is the most important thing I need now.

On the subject of feeling isolated, I have discovered I love my husband more and more every day. He has been there for me to cry on everytime I needed it starting the moment I saw that empty ultrasound picture two weeks ago. I know he is sad too. This is something we want more than anything else in the world and it has been 15 months now of TTC and we have nothing to show for it, except a lot of heartache. Everyone is worried about me, but I worry about Michael. I know he hurts and he says he hurts for me. He says he hurts because he cannot "fix" this for me. That broke my heart, but makes me love him so much! So, if you come in contact with him, please ask him how he is too, not just how I am.

Even though for whatever reason God is not ready to give us a baby yet, I think He gave me a pregnancy during the holidays to help me make it through. I spent all of November and part of December dreading Thanksgiving and Christmas. The thought of another holiday without a baby of our own brought me to tears everytime I thought about it. I threw myself into decorating because it gave me an outlet during what was the hardest time of my life (or so I thought until December 10, when things really got bad). I remember sitting in my car after I moved it watching my house burn and thinking that I just could not have a happy holiday season at that point. How could I? First, I did not have a baby or a pregnancy to be thankful for and now, no home to celebrate the season in. Well, 10 days later, God gave me a reason to be thankful and I spent an entire day crying and praising God for giving me this reason.

The worst thing in my opinion that has happened to me during the past 15 months, is the heartache I feel everytime someone else announces they are pregnant. I am not a jealous person, but I have a jealous feeling everytime I hear that God has blessed someone else and not me. It makes me feel like a terrible person that I even feel that way, but I cannot help it. Please don't be upset if you are someone that has told me you are pregnant. Even in the second or so that I am jealous, I still love you and very excited for you, just sad for me. I want to see your ultrasound pictures and hear how you are feeling, but PLEASE don't complain about your pregnancy or that you miss things you can no longer do. I would give anything and pay any amount of money to feel like you do and to give up those things.

Many people have asked me what our next step is if there is something wrong (I get this a lot, except most people that ask don't know that there is a real reason to ask, just infertility), well, I don't know yet. It depends on what is wrong, if anything. I do not have a peace about IVF or adoption. For one thing, we cannot afford IVF. Also, I want to conceive my child as naturally as possible (which we know we can do). With adoption, I am not to that point yet, even though I tell Michael that I am when I get scared and cry about the possibility that I may never be able to sustain a pregnancy to term. Part of my dream is to be pregnant. I want to experience EVERYTHING about being a mother and a big part of that is carrying a baby and giving birth. For right now, we are looking into a few possibilities that my OB thinks may be a problem. Two of those would require surgery. While I am NOT looking forward to another surgery, I will do anything to have a healthy pregnancy at this point. Another option would require daily injections once I know I am pregnant until after delivery. Again, I will do ANYTHING to have a healthy baby. So, please don't give me advice about any of my options, just support us in our decisions and in our trust of our doctor, who we both really like.

If any of you are still reading, thank you! I use this blog as a journal and this is just how I feel today. Some of it may be repetitive or I may repeat it again later, but it helps to put it into words tonight.